Butterfy in a Tornado - Born To Kill & Jonathon

[Jon]

Butterfly in a Tornado...
By: Born To Kill & Jonathon

America’s blight, economy’s tight...
Wallets are empty...nothing seems right.
Except the urge to fight, that fits right in...
And within it breeds division like the wall did in Berlin.
Splitting man and wife, cuz insults blast like sneezes...
S’odd how heated breath sharp as a knife,
........................Doesn’t cut my heart but freeze it.
Leaving me cold inside, trembling on the out...
When storms collide in your own fuckin house.
That’s supposed to be safe, a haven of love...
But instead is replaced with death from above.
Hail that pounds; brings you down to the ground...
Cuz the shape of hate, now wears your wife’s nightgown.
Screams of “Fuck you!” and “Fuck you too!”...
“We wouldn’t be in this if it wasn’t for you!”
“You spend too much!” “No, you fuckin do!”
“You’re so goddamn selfish, I wish we were through!”
In this storm I cannot thrive, though I swear I’ve done my best...
But the strength of this F5, s’like Brock Lesnar’s my guest.
Blowing away emotions, precious memories are scattered...
Downing lines that power devotion, like it never really mattered.
And in the middle of this...in the middle of this shit...
A tiny butterfly repeats a pleading little wish.
“Please stop fighting, I love you Mom and Dad...
I’m in my bedroom hiding from the only family I have.
My little heart hurts; not enough tissue for my tears...
The words you two blurt bring life to my worst fears.
Mommy leaving Daddy, or Daddy leaving Mommy...
I know it’s all my fault...and the guilt weighs so heavy upon me.”
.
.
.
.
No fuel in gas tanks because there's no change in pockets;
Stock markets dropping so fast you can't even watch it.
Medicare is hardly there; removed by our government,
We're still in a cold war, the O-Zone's just tryna cover it.
But the coldness of our lives still chills the oldest -
Expected to carry a burden out but too weak to hold it...
Too weak to speak out - or reach out for what's right,
Blinded by our economy, & bein' rich isn't in sight.
Health is not worth the fight, black eyes bruise me -
Its worse down here but too dark for a news scene.
When I learned to ignore, then things became more -
sickness sticks to this aged body until it's claimed sore.
Throw me up because I'm down - mentally I've risen;
cancerous cells lock down my aging body like a prison.
Hospital bills seal the deal on my future -
I won't be able to pay for this, my kids need a suture.
The doctor claims I won't make it another week -
& only two days later my life monitor rapidly peaks.
And in the middle of this...in the middle of this shit...
A tiny butterfly repeats a pleading little wish.
"Please Daddy make it stop - the line is frightening
They tell me your dying, just take some life from me!
My little heart hurts; this is scaring me Dad
I need God or this doctor to save the only thing I have.
I'm sorry I was bad, wait - why is the beeping stopping?
I know it’s all my fault...and the guilt weighs so heavy upon me."

[Vincent Maestro]

haha.///freaky styley little story compiled here....it messed with me alittle I was feeling for the "Butterfly"...the kid the parents had////that was dope iamgery and personification....

I woulda liked to see more complex rhymeschemes but whatever still doesn't take from the emotion and creativity of this piece.....

Good job to both guys.

I'd say I liked the second part better than the first....like how the kids in a hospital room with his dad....felt like I was in the room too....dope shit.

Stay up btk & jon....y'all better collab again...or else...lolz.

[Testify]

This was pretty dope, felt like some wording in the first verse (guess that's BTK) was odd in the knife lines. But the rest was pretty damn good. I liked the title which really is the only reason I came in here. (besides who the writers are and Jonathon feeding my collaboration) Some nice flow and rhymescheme delivered by the two of you and I really can say I enjoy reading you two collab and you should do it more often. Nice story and some ill lines. Keep writing and see the two of you in SS... I hope.

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ld-379892.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-379805.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...me-379705.html

[FrankTheTank]

I'm really feelin' this piece yo

[Jon]

uppin.

[Born To Kill]

Woah...

Real nice shit you added, J.

I liked alot how you repeated lines from the first stazna.
Gave it a dejavu kinda feeling.
Dope.

Thanks for the collab, man.

Peace

[Jon]

Hey! People... How about some feed?




EDIT: & bell, wtf was that?

[Testify]

S H I T !



*Nominates*

[Ntalek]

Ok first of all I thought BTK opened this up perfect...the first few lines were a rhyming a little to rapid for my liking but then he smoothed it out...I thought he did a great job displaying the emotions of his character..the shape of hate and the F5 brock lesner line's I thought were very dope and would relate to that of a childs mind who could intertwine that thought with it's feelings some real deep emotional type shit...so that was very dope..the beginning part really brought that realistic feel to the piece like some sort of life story instead of the basic/creative ott drops you see in OM..so props on that BTK...I know you got kids and prolly fuss and shit with your wife so that could've been why so much of your part seemed so realistic..but IDK what you do @ home I was just saying for instace..so yeah dope shit on your behalf..

Jon I thought you did a great job following BTk with a more realisitic approach to the topic and taking yours another route..the medicare and O zone lines were the ones that stuck out to me..some real deep emotion along with true facts...I felt as though you touched on alot of things b4 you really got into the depth of your drop which was again relateable....to the struggle of a son with a dying father...I thought your wording was a bit more sleek than BTK's as far as rhyming but you both did damn good in that department...neither of you used to many multi's but the flow was fluid..

overall I thought this was a real solid piece both writers brought a hell of alot of emotion and 2 solid storylines that meshed well with each other...and Jon carrying on with BTK butterfly thing was just mad sick...well executed fellas I'm glad I took the time out to read this...definate HOF...

[Cody Nash]

omfg this was great. first off I wanna say this shit is HOF material for sure. if it doesn't make it I'd be fucking surprised... great read you two. I thought those bars that were repeated were fucking dope. I liked how that happened. it let's you see this in two lights... and the metaphor of a butterfly being their little girl was fucking tight too. your styles blended freakishly well. I can't tell who is who, but I'm assuming BTK was first... this was all just fuckin sick you guys... the point hit home for me, and the wording/vocab/story was all just right on par... this is above the average HOF piece as well IMO... it's one of those near legendary ishes to me... great read...


stay up...
BTK we need to collab too, we've never done it and I don't know why.



Jon, you know we're already collabin... so yeah...
peep my piece "Hold Me" if you would too, BTK already did...



peace.

[Jon]

appreciated fellas.

[Writeamus Prime]

ok...ill say this at the risk of being black balled...but i dont really care because this is a forum...i have always heard all these things about the writing of BTK and I really can't see where the OMFG HOF sh!t is coming from...unless you have perfected writing...your mediocre pieces don't deserve to be busted a nut over(not saying that ALL your writing is mediocre...but im sure this particular piece wasnt your best)...but such is the way of rap battles...people get idolized and when they drink from a cup...that cup becomes golden. I'm sorry but there is no way that anyone should see this piece, especially the so-called "respected" writers on this site, and run around their rooms banging their heads on the wall...i could give you a site where...if you posted this, or most things we see on RB, they would chew your ass off and tell you that you know nothing about writing...they are snobs but still, it can happen...they make it a point to do it to everyone who comes. As a writer...really...you should read your pieces a couple of times and then not like them anymore...never be completely thrilled with a piece because that is where you stop challenging yourself....but whatever....yall will be how and what you are the way you want...it just blows me away the type of responses people get based off of their names.

anyway...to this piece

the opening stanza had a bit of a choppy flow to it and the end rhymes were a bit simplistic and predictable. That being said, the emotion was pretty thorough and fluid, it was just there...there was no denying it. It was also a well carried story line, but i think some of the mechanical elements did not just shine through.

I actually enjoyed jonothons verse a bit more...it had that same emotion and story carrying, but i think the flow was a bit more loose and wasn't AS predictable but it still hinged on that. the repeated lines were a cool addition...let us know that you two were on the same page. I also liked how you both likened the storm of domestic turmoil to a tornado which grabs everything around it...and the little girl as a butterfly...that was cool.

this was an ok collab guys but i actually thought your collab with Heychoo was better than this one...it was more complex...

so i say this at the risk of having every piece i ever write on this site again be trashed on site.....but....i'm just being honest these days...i find that it helps people.

here is my link...trash it if you like...praise it if you like....just be honest about it...thanks:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ga-379813.html

[Born To Kill]

I really don't care what you think, my man...

We're all entitled to the opinions we have.

Thanks for the feed...and...

Peace

[Writeamus Prime]

lol...ur welcome chief lol